Privilege of Death
by canisa
Summary: [complete] Killua centric: Gon…do you know? Death… was a privilege that I wanted when I was a child….


Title: Privilege of Death Author: Canisa Rating: PG-13 for some bloody stuff Warning: Dark.. poor killua being tortured.. A speculation on Killua's past. Paring: non specific at this point. this is my first fic in hunterxhunter.. I want to get the characters right before I dive into that sort of thing ^_^ Disclaimer: Hunter X hunter does not belong to me, I am just writing this for my own amusement.  
  
Note: this story is set when Killua visits Gon's family at Whale Island, after the Hunter exam and celestial tower.  
  
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Gon.do you know? Death. was a privilege that I wanted when I was a child..  
  
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"Listen to his shallow breathing, God damn it!" I shouted. "Gon! He is suffering!"  
  
"No! I won't let you do this."  
  
My fingers dug into my flesh. The look of determination from Gon only enraged me more. "Move aside." I growled, eyes narrowed "I will finish it, I will end its suffering."  
  
But he did not move as I had ordered him to. "There has to be another way, Killua." He calmly answered, standing between the dying animal and me.  
  
I gritted my teeth. I could hear it, the laborious breathing coming from the punctured lung. The smell of blood permeated in the room, attacking my senses. It triggered something in me. Calling me. Begging me.  
  
It wanted relief.  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
"Killua..my precious Killua.."  
  
A woman with her luscious golden hair cascaded down her shoulder, smiled down at her son.  
  
"Killua. you are special, you know?" Her gentle voice was sweet and caring. She brought down her hand, caressing the child's silver hair.  
  
But the little child heard none of it nor did he feel the touch. Instead, his dark eyes widened as his blood trickled down the table like a crimson river. The electric current, traveled by the ways of chains strapped around his tiny body, was the only thing that he could feel. The smell of his own burnt flesh was all that he could sense.  
  
"Killua. you are special..." A curve of a smile danced at the corner of the woman's lips. She withdrew her hand, not bothered by the electric current that flew through her body as well. "One day. you will be the heir of this family.." She bent down and placed a kiss on the child's forehead.  
  
The child had already lost his voice to scream.  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
I dashed toward the dying animal, only to be stopped by Gon. I glared at him, my fingers extended.  
  
"Stop it!!!"  
  
Mito-san joined Gon's effort to lengthen the dying animal's suffering.  
  
Anger overtook me.  
  
Couldn't they hear it? Couldn't they hear the heart weakening? Couldn't they understand its pain?  
  
The tiny thing was lying on the table lifelessly. It did not even have the strength to sit. It was laboriously taking air to breathe. It walked at the edge of life and death.  
  
My heart beat faster as faster, almost the same speed as the animal's breathing.  
  
"Killua, stop it!"  
  
Angrily, I flung Mito-san and Gon aside and dashed toward the table. I looked down at the animal struggling with its last effort.  
  
"Killua!!! Don't do it!!"  
  
The smell of blood nagging at the back of my head. It begged. It begged for relief.  
  
My fingers extended. I aimed for its heart.  
  
"KILLUA!!!"  
  
It would not feel a thing....  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
."Add another 100 watts." The mother ordered.  
  
"Madam..." Concern was heard from the servant.  
  
And the woman responded with a glare, her beautiful blue eyes suddenly darkened.  
  
"Yes, Madam." Without hesitation, the servant bowed as he retreated back to the control room.  
  
Satisfied, the woman returned to look at her son. "Killua.. this is for your own good." She smiled as she watched her child's body jolted at the sudden increase of electric current. "In the near future.. you will become strong.. and become the best assassin this family will ever produce."  
  
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Normally, it wouldn't have stopped my action, but for some strange reason it did. The slap was not exactly powerful yet I felt the hotness on my cheek. Dumbfoundly, I stood in front of the animal that I was about to end its life. My eyes widened in confusion.  
  
"Can't you see how hard he is trying to live? Doesn't your family teach you the value of each being's life?" Her body shook as she tried to suppress her anger and tears.  
  
The value of life..  
  
I sat down in the corner of the room. The cold wall gave support to my limb body. "They only teach me how to kill..." I muttered, my head bowed.  
  
The silence filled the room. It was impossible for them to understand. The excruciating pain... The futile struggle..  
  
"Killua! I have found a way!" Gon suddenly brightened up. "We could try to pass down our nen to him to increase its healing power!"  
  
I looked up, watching his eyes lit up, watching hope danced on his innocent face. He was right. That was a possibility. I calmed my emotion while listening to the still shallow breathings of the animal. Secretly, I gritted my teeth. for the struggling rhythm was still calling to me.  
  
I looked into his huge brown eyes again and instantly found his determination and knew that it was a battle that I would not win. Besides, even though it was slim, his suggestion was still possibility that we could try.  
  
Given up, I steeled my emotions and forced an encouraging and enthusiastic smile surfaced for Gon. "Yes.. let's try it!"  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
"How's it feel, Killua?"  
  
The child watched the woman coldly, no trace of pain was found on his little handsome face. The electric current was high enough to kill of every single nerve cell in his body yet he endured. He concentrated on the woman's beautiful face. He stared into her blue eyes.  
  
"Killua, my child." The woman was ecstatic. The death glare made her shudder with joy. "I knew it." She trembled, her body shook as if she was the one being electrocuted. "I knew you are special.." She leaned toward her son, whispering into his ears.  
  
The child suddenly broke lose of the chain. His fist, though tiny but powerful, grabbed onto the woman's lace collar instantly.  
  
"Killua?!" Taken by surprise, the woman froze.  
  
The child took the opportunity. He raised his right hand, nails extended. Without hesitation, he sliced across the woman's eyes.  
  
Crimson blood immediately spilled in the room and splashed on the child's face. Fearlessly, the child smiled and licked off the blood from his fingers.  
  
The woman shrieked. Her high pitch scream almost shattered the window.  
  
The child loosened his grip on the woman, letting her fall on the floor. Instead for breaking for the door for escape, he merely lied down on the familiar table again. He looked up the ceiling, memorizing the last sight of his only world before he closed his eyes.  
  
He waited.  
  
He waited for his relief.  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Gon and I placed our hands on the animal. With enormous concentration, we passed down our nen into its feeble body.  
  
Hours passed and the situation took a brighter turn because the shallow breathing became steadier.  
  
Overjoyed, Gon wrapped his arm around me. "We saved it!"  
  
I nodded, watching the little animal opened its eyes for the first time since we brought it into the house. Our eyes made contact. For a split second, I felt relieved.  
  
That night, at the dinner table, I apologized to Gon and Mito-san with exaggeration. I put on my act of being the mischievous boy like I had always been. I refused to eat red pepper and spinach just to elicit some responses from Mito-san. I played prinks on Gon during shower time by hiding his clothes.  
  
Despite my effort, the darkness in me did not go away.  
  
The image of the dying animal recalled my past. It reminded me what I used to be. It reminded me what I truly wanted as a child.  
  
I cringed, tightening my arms around my knees underneath the comforter.  
  
"Killua.." Gon called out as he shifted in his bed so that he could face my direction.  
  
"Hun?" I made a non committal noise, pretending that I was half-asleep.  
  
But Gon saw through that and continued. "Today..You would have still killed it if "nen" didn't work, would you?"  
  
I suppressed my surprise and decided to not answer his question. Gon was innocent. No matter what I said, he would not understand. I did not want to argue with him so I made my breathing a bit louder, wanting to convince Gon that I fell asleep.  
  
"Killua.." Just when I thought I succeeded in tricking him, Gon spoke again. "If it were me, would you have killed me? If I were dying, would you have ended.."  
  
"NO!" I sat up on my bed immediately, horrified. "How could you think that?" I snapped, throwing my pillow at him. The image of Gon's broken arm and bloody face during the final hunter exam surfaced in my memory. "That would never happen. You would never be in that situation."  
  
I would never let it happen.  
  
"Killua." In the dark, Gon smiled. "I am glad. You do know the value of life."  
  
The horrible images temporarily forgotten as I watched him with confusion.  
  
"You are probably right." Gon continued. "Even though he suffered, he still fought to be alive."  
  
"Why. it was so much pain."  
  
Gon smiled. "Because he knew that his father was waiting for him." His eyes brightened. "He knew that he had to get back to his father or else he would be sad. It might be painful but he had to try his best. to survive."  
  
My eyes widened as I absorbed Gon's words. The animal had struggled to survive so that it would go back to his family...  
  
"Killua, you have a kind heart." Gon smiled brighter. "You don't want him to suffer that's why you want to end his life. but.."  
  
"You are wrong." I bowed my head slightly, looking away from him. Gon was so pure. He made me feel ashamed. "I . had projected myself onto that animal."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. "Gon.. do you know? Death. was a privilege that I wanted when I was a child.."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"The training I got from my mother was.. not pleasant." I paused. It was awkward to talk about this after so many years. "I had wanted death to end it all..I even. hurt my mother so that she could do the favor for me." I felt the dryness in the back of my throat. I could remember the taste of her blood on the tip of my tongue.  
  
"I am glad she didn't!"  
  
I snapped to look up, only to find that Gon was suddenly inches before my face. He grabbed onto my shoulder.  
  
"Don't you ever want death again!" Gon shouted. "Because people would be sad! Because I would be sad!"  
  
Under the moonlight, I saw a trail of shinning silver down his cheek.  
  
"I don't know.. I don't know what your mother did to you.. but I am really glad that you survived. It must be hard, but I really happy that you did not let death beat you.."  
  
I was speechless. For the first time, someone had cried for me. Suddenly, I did not know what to do.  
  
". promise me.. that you.."  
  
"What are you talking about." I interrupted. I could no longer take in his tears. It was tearing me apart from the inside. It was more horrible than the electric shock my mother had given me years ago.  
  
"Eh?" Gon blinked his eyes, confused at my sudden change of attitude.  
  
"Didn't I said I only feel that way when I was a child?" I looked away, disguising my blush in the darkness. "I am not that stupid to look for death right now." After knowing for sure that the blush had completely gone without a trace, I turned back to Gon. "Not before I eat up all the chocolate and sweets and candies in the world!" I eyed at him slyly. "So.. where is your check book?" I traced his eyesight to his desk.  
  
"AH!!" Gon exclaimed, finally remembering that I had already borrowed 15,000 jinins from him to buy chocolate balls at the celestial tower. "Oh, no you don't. You have all the candies you can eat for your life time!"  
  
I laughed as I watched him dashed toward his desk to protect his check book. "Your teeth are going to rot!"  
  
I smiled, faking move to steal his checkbook.  
  
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The child, with his mother's blood smeared across his face, lied patiently on the table. He waited to receive the final blow that could end his misery. He waited for his death.  
  
But his mother's screams only slowly reduced and eventually, the screams were replaced with insane laughs.  
  
When the room finally restored back to its quietness, the child opened his eyes. The child's breathing was even though he was greeted by a deformed bloody mass what was once his mother's beautiful face.  
  
The last trace of his will vanished as he stared at his mother impassively.  
  
"Killua.." A butterfly kiss mixed with a scent of blood was placed on his cheek. "I knew it..you are a special child." She caressed her son's blood- tainted silver hair with love. "You will be the best assassin in the Zoldeyak family." 


End file.
